THE ATTACHMENT THEORY WORKBOOK by Annie Chen, LMFT is an incredible invaluable resource. The entire book is filled with questions, charts, quizzes, and lots of self-reflective statements. 

Below are my favorite quotes:

An individuals sense of security in relationships with others-what psychologists call attachment style- is a big determining factor in whether those relationships are successful or not. 

It is designed to help you discover your own attachment style and those of your loved ones, with the aim of learning healthier ways of relating to the most important people in your life. 

You can’t change the past, but the good news is you can change patterns from your past that haven’t served you well.

Having close, meaningful relationships is linked to better health, greater resilience, and more overall happiness in life. 

Researchers John Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth began developing the core of what became attachment theory in the mid-20th century. 

When we get close to someone and come to depend on them, in stressful moments we show our true attachment style. During stressful times, if you typically expect that you can count on your relationship partner for help and comfort, then you have a secure attachment style. 

The ANXIOUS Attachment Style

• Attachment Theory is concerned with safety and trust in intimate relationships. 
• Can be incredibly generous and attentive to those they care about
• People with anxious attachment can also contradict themselves (they want support, but when triggered they feel so upset they can barely be around you.
• This approach stresses out those around them and burns through their relationship capital. Marriage researcher John Gottman has determined that for every negative feeling or interaction couples have, it takes at least 5 positive ones to restore the balance for a happy, healthy relationship. 
• It’s important to note that they are not doing it on purpose. Most are not fully aware of how they’re coming across.
• Your reactivity gets triggered in part because of the uncertainty you feel about depending on someone, and that reactiveness puts unnecessary strain on relationships and prevents intimacy. 

*Remember, these styles all exist on a spectrum- many people with insecure attachment display both anxious and avoidant patterns at various times. 

After a while, if you are the only one putting energy in you can start to feel overwhelmed and demoralized.

Sometimes acceptance simply means being willing to remind yourself that their anxious attachment patterns aren’t about you. 

AVOIDANT Attachment Style

• Denying what happened
• Subtle ways- like people pleasing 
• Self-reliant and proud of that 
• care a lot for your partner but need a good amount of distance or space
• As you grow into a child, you have many more experiences of spending time alone: playing alone, imagining alone, and taking care of needs on your own. These are the times you feel safest. Being alone is the home base you go to when you feel bothered by the world. 
• Others can disappoint you, but being alone never will
• They react from reflex and forget how much you need them

It is important to reach out to offer support only if you have enough for yourself or can feel replenished by giving to the relationship. Make sure to accept the different aspects of yourself with warmth and care. Acknowledge actions and behavior without imposing your wish for them to be different. 

SECURE Attachment Style

• self-awareness is a very important process to them
• great value on your relationships and you get a lot out of them
• these relationships give you strength daily and when there’s crisis
• You have learned in the past and learn from mistakes
• If you find out that you’ve hurt someone you care about, you try your best to repair it
• Your partners participation feels as if it makes you both better and its fun

If relationship processes were a recipe, acceptance would be gathering the necessary ingredients. If you omitted ingredients or made inappropriate substitutes, no matter how hard you tried, the recipe might not come out as intended. 

When our close relationships are supportive and nourishing, we have a buffer from stress and room to grow and go further toward our goals.

One trait of being insecurely attached is that it is difficult to make decisions and feel settled with them. 

The Anxious-Anxious Interaction

• both partners worry about being abandoned
• passionate
• hold little back
• open and giving (to a fault)
• prone to lengthy processing sessions filled with blaming statements 

The worse case scenario for these couples, and the conflict that will probably cause the most distress, is when both partners feel abandoned by the other. 

The Avoidant-Avoidant Interaction

• first few years are easy, no conflict, “we get along so well”
• “i won’t rock the boat if you won’t”
• the pair stays out of each other’s way when it comes to anything that could cause upset. They happily enjoy the aspects of the relationship that are ideal and easy, and ignore the rest.
• Over time this breaks down when one or both people’s needs and wants evolve, and they desire something from the relationship that is a challenge for the other to provide. 

The Anxious-Avoidant Interaction

• 1 anxious, 1 avoidant
• also called the distancer-pursuer dynamic 
• confused and hurt by each others behavior
• couples find themselves in this dynamic often get stuck in their patterns, each becoming more rigid in their response to feeling attachment stress and threat.
• (Play is the antidote to threat)

The Secure-Anxious Interaction

• interactions work better when the anxious partner learns to self-soothe and be more self-reflective
• when in a reactive pattern, the anxious will project their anxiety and distress on everything they see.

 

Feeling emotionally safe and secure with someone is the foundation of trust in a relationship. 

To order this book, click here:

 

Yum