So Sorry for you loss by Dina Gachman is an incredible read on grief and loss. Dina does a phenomenal job of balancing research, cynicism, quotes, humor, and a no-nonsense approach to grief. It’s a must read and I give it 5 STARS!
Grief is an Old English word that means Heartsarnes= which means soreness of the heart. or Stress Cardiomyopathy or Broken-heart syndrome. Grief-Induced Emotional Avalanche (GIEA) is a close cousin of heartsarnes. Grief is full of “firsts” that result in this condition. It’s symptoms include dizziness, confusion, anger, deep sighs, and maybe some tears.
One thing I have learned to be true is that death doesn’t discriminate, and neither does grief. They are equal opportunity assholes, and they induct all of us into their crappy club at some point, whether we like it or not.
Grief therapist, Ajita Robinson says the emotional processing of grief can be a psychological injury that can affect short and long term memory, word recall, emotional processing, and the ability to retain new information.
“They lived a long life” is one of those things we say when we don’t know what else to say.
Take “So sorry for your loss”. Everyone says it. It is the go-to sympathy. A zero drama sentiment. I get why people say it-they’re afraid to upset the person who is already distraught. Trust me, we know it’s horrible. We will not break if people say “What a tragedy”. Eventually, I learned that the worst thing you can say is nothing, so simply saying “I’m sorry” or “so sorry for your loss” can mean everything to someone in pain. But that takes time, because at first it just angers you.
We live in a grief avoidant culture.
Grief isn’t a language you learn slowly. There is no Duolingo for this. When it happens, it’s as if a secret linguistic portal rips open and suddenly there you are, with an entirely new way of communicating and existing in the world. You have a psychic secret handshake with others who’ve gone through painful loss. I know grief isn’t something you should wrap up and store away, like a fragile glass figurine. It will, and should, become part of you.
Many people think there are supposed to be 5 or 7 or even 12 “stages” of grief, but the most common stages people seem to know are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Those stages were actually identified as a common journey for people who were dying, not for those left behind, but over time they became mistakenly viewed as the stages of grief. These stages were created and famed by psychiatrist and researcher Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book On Death and Dying. Later in her life, Kubler-Ross expressed regret that the 5 stages had been misinterpreted and misrepresented in pop culture for so long.
Dr. Damita Sunwolf LaRue states that “the reality is that sitting with someone in the pain and being fully present is the biggest gift you can give”.
Accepting the finality of death is a painful step in the process of learning to ache for someone forever, while allowing yourself to experience life, and moments of joy, even as you hurt.
Birth and Death are both passageways and significant moments of transition. It is just that much of Western society has chosen to normalize anticipating birth while resisting death.
Grief, like life, doesn’t always have to make sense. It’s often unpredictable, intense when you expect a sniffle, and gentle when you’re anticipating a body slam.
There’s an old European custom that’s been traced back to Celtic mythology, called “Telling the Bees”. Bees have long symbolized the link between our world and the spirit world, and this tradition of telling the bees has been documented throughout Western Europe, and in parts of rural New England, and Appalachia during the 19th century. If a death occurred, a family member would have to notify the beehive of the death. They would often drape the hives in a black cloth, or place a black cloth on a stick next to the hives. Failure to “put the bees into mourning” meant that more death and loss would occur.
You can scream all you want about gender stereotypes, but the truth is that women shoulder everything, all the time. Do you know how hard it is some days to make dinner, fold laundry, feed the children, go to work, grieve, wash the dishes, and cry without completely unraveling? Women have been quietly exhibiting grit for centuries, which makes it even more of a head-scratcher that we don’t run all the companies or have higher positions of power in general around the world in every industry known to humankind.
Elizabeth Brady, a professor at Penn State whose son Mack died of a rare blood disorder just before his 9th birthday, says she eventually had to help people understand that saying nothing was the absolute worst thing they could do. Asking her how he was doing was not an assault. It was a way for her to feel seen in her pain. “Now that I’m wearing this longer, I’m more confident about recognizing the fear and discomfort of other people”. I say to my friends, “Don’t be afraid to show up, but you’re not there to fix anything.” I tell them that they’re there to share in the pain, and that this is just the beginning of a new life for all of us. It’s a long haul. It’s for the rest of our lives. There is no magic card or word or anything that will fix the situation.
What they say about grief is that it hits you the most when you’re starting to feel the best”.
Crying quietly at a funeral is acceptable, but, soon after, we’re expected to “go on” with life, and put the mourning rituals and outward displays of deep grief aside. Sometimes grief can and should be solitary and quiet, but, at its core, it is anything but quiet. It’s a loud, relentless beast. Grief thrashes and roars, until is settles into a rhythm we can live with.
People really shy away from grief and don’t want to think or talk about it says Dr. Katherine Shear of Columbia’s Center for Prolonged Grief.
If you would like to read this book, you can find it here:
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