Set Boundaries, Find Peace- a guide to reclaiming yourself

This was such an incredible read! There was such wonderful information in it and I’ve written down all my favorite quotes. 

I feared that standing up for myself would cost me my relationships. All the while, the personal cost was much higher. 

Signs that you need boundaries: 

• You feel overwhelmed
• You feel resentment toward people for asking for your help
• You avoid phone calls/interactions with people you think might ask for something
• You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return
• You feel burned out
• You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing
• You have no time for yourself

“If you don’t like something, do something about it.” I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them. 

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships. 

Reasons people don’t respect your boundaries

• You don’t take yourself seriously
• You don’t hold people accountable
• You apologize for setting boundaries
• You allow too much flexibility
• You speak in uncertain terms
• You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head)
• You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough
• You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary

Boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationship. 

So many people- especially women-who give and give so much, only to feel exhausted and even depressed as a result. This is why we live in a culture of burnout. 

Paying attention to your needs is self-care. The root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying NO to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being. 

Overwhelmed is one of the most common manifestations of boundary issues. 

Disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off is avoidance. Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking avoidance as the ultimate answer. But creating boundaries is the only real life solution. 

Creating healthy boundaries leads to feeling safe, loved, calm, and respected. 

The Meaning of Boundaries

• They are a safeguard to overextending yourself
• They are a self-care practice
• They define roles in relationships
• They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships
• They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships
• They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs
• They are a way to communicate your needs to others. 
• They are a way to create healthy relationships
• They are a way to create clarity
• They are a way to feel safe

Our family histories and personalities determine how we implement and accept boundaries. If your family operates on unspoken limits or regularly ignores limits, you will probably grown up lacking the communication skills necessary to be assertive about your needs. 

Personality determines our comfort level with respecting and rejecting boundaries. People with anxious tendencies are more prone to overreact when challenged. People who exhibit strong signs of being disagreeable, such as always having to be right, arguing over small details, or struggling to accept differences in others, are more likely to push back against boundaries. Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willing to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations. 

There are actually THREE LEVELS OF BOUNDARIES: Porous, Rigig, and Helathy.

Porous Boundaries: looks like oversharing, codependency, enmeshment, inability to say no, people-pleasing, dependency on feedback from others, paralyzing fear of being rejected, and accepting mistreatment. 

Porous boundaries are weak or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful. They lead to feeling depleted, overextended, depression, anxiety, and unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Rigid Boundaries: look like never sharing, building walls, avoiding vulnerability, cutting people out, having high expectations of others, and enforcing strict rules. 

Rigid boundaries are at the other extreme and they involve building walls to keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe. Whereas porous boundaries lead to unhealthy closeness (enmeshment), rigid ones are a self-protective mechanism meant to build distance. This typically comes from a fear of vulnerability or a history of being taken advantage of. 

Healthy Boundaries: look like being clear about your values, listening to your own opinion, sharing with others appropriately, heaving a healthy vulnerability with people who’ve earned your trust, being comfortable saying no, and being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally.

Healthy boundaries require an awareness of your emotional, mental, physical capacities, combined with clear communication. 

Short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time!

Common Responses to Boundaries

1. Pushback
2. Limit Testing
3. Ignoring
4. Rationalizing and questioning
5. Defensiveness
6. Ghosting
7. Silent Treatment
8. Acceptance

“I understand that you don’t like my boundary, but I need to feel safe in my relationship. Having limits helps me feel safe”. 

Silent Treatment: Passive Aggressive and a form of punishing you for trying to set the boundary. This person will be noticeably distant after you assert your need. If you try to talk to them, they will offer short responses like yes or no. It’s lonely and confusing to be the receiver of the silent treatment. 

When people respond in an unhealthy way, it’s typically a sign that you needed limits a long time ago and that you need to reevaluate the relationship to assess whether your needs are being met satisfactorily. 

Boundary issues also come from putting way too many unspoken expectations on the other person. The truth is that unhealthy boundaries will follow you wherever you go unless you learn to verbalize them. 

Burnout is overwhelming, and boundaries are the cure. Burnout happens when people become emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted. In many cases, it leads to chronic frustration, neglect in duties, moodiness, and avoidance. 

We can’t create more time, but we can do less, delegate, or ask for help. Tell people what you need. 

Things that lead to burnout: 

• Listening to people complain about the same things over and over
• Doing your best with little appreciation for your work
• Dispensing your advice to people who don’t value your feedback
• Engaging in dialogue with people who take an emotional toll on you
• Doing things that don’t make you happy
• Lacking balance in your roles and duties
• Setting high expectations at work, home, or in relationships
• Having a continual urge to control situations outside of your control

Anxiety is often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people pleasing, and the inability to be assertive. The biggest trigger for anxiety is the inability to say no. Helping people with anxiety means assisting them in setting boundaries. Saying no is the most obvious way to set one. But rather than appear mean or displease someone, we often agree to things we don’t want. Saying no to others allows you to say yes to yourself or to things you truly want. 

Communicating our boundaries isn’t easy, but without it, we set ourselves up for long-term suffering. Relationships without boundaries are dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage. Without boundaries in relationships, we also can’t have healthy self-care practices. When we do become clear about our expectations, saying “I need you to ____,” we at least learn exactly who is and isn’t willing to honor what we need and want. 

If you learn to pay attention to your body, it will tell you when it’s time to set boundaries- in the sigh before you answer your phone, the desire to avoid certain people, or your hesitance to say yes. The emotions that people most commonly feel when they don’t set boundaries are resentment, anger, and frustration. 

At its core, resentment is disappointing. It often is an uncomfortable emotion to admit and express, many people deny feeling it. So they often express it in a passive-aggressive way. 

Complaining to others won’t fix our unhealthy boundaries. Complaining is another way of processing frustration. However, with complaining, we usually play the role of victim. Along with not being a solution, complaining- much like gossiping-builds resentment. As we air our grievances, we become more frustrated and annoyed, reinforcing the belief that others are doing things to us. We don’t stop to evaluate what we’re allowing to happen by not setting clear boundaries. 

The WHAT’S ON YOUR PLATE exercise is a constructive way to identify what you already have on your plate before committing to more. Here is how to do it: on a sheet of paper, write down all the duties, activities, and responsibilities attached to your various roles in life. Use a key of these things: enjoy, more time, most time, energizes, for you, and for others. Using that key, put a symbol next to each item. 

Worst-case-scenario thinking is fear-based. We can’t predict the future. We can’t predict how people will respond to our boundaries. The only thing we’re able to control is our own behavior. Parents/Caregivers can guide us toward either healthy or unhealthy boundaries. The family is our primary teacher. 

Parents who don’t model healthy boundaries inadvertently teach kids unhealthy boundaries. Awareness of the need for self-care is on the rise today, and self-care is becoming acceptable. But it hasn’t always been that way. In the last few years, people have begun to learn that weight issues are often a symptom of the mental and emotional health issues they face. What many people don’t realize, however, is that often, poor self-care is an issue with boundaries. We won’t find time to go to the gym or eat well if we don’t have healthy boundaries with ourselves. 

The experience of trauma shifts our brain and body into survival mode. This is one way in which unhealthy boundaries become a tool for survival. 

Enmeshment prevents us from establishing a sense of individuality. It leads us to believe that we are responsible to how others feel. 

THOUGHT PATTERNS THAT STOP US FROM SETTING BOUNDARIES:

1. You fear being mean
2. You fear being rude
3. You’re a people-pleaser
4. You’re anxious about future interactions after a boundary has been set
5. You feel powerless (and not sure that boundaries will help)
6. You get your value from helping others
7. You project your feelings about being told no onto others
8. You have no clue where to start
9. You believe that you can’t have boundaries in certain types of relationships

People-pleasers tend to be consumed with thoughts about what others are thinking and feeling. They want to appear as good, helpful, and inviting. For people-pleasers, setting a boundary is especially hard because their worst fear is being disliked on top of the fear of being mean or rude. 

It’s essential to reframe the way you think about this process. Here are some ways to reframe! 

• Boundaries are a way of advocating for yourself
• Boundaries are a way to maintain the health and integrity of a relationship
• Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, i like you so much. I want us to work on a few things”.
• Boundaries are a way of saying “I love myself”. 

Not setting boundaries is a betrayal of yourself. Don’t betray yourself to please others. 

There are 6 areas of boundaries: physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time. 

Boundary violations fall into 2 categories: Little b and Big B. 

Little “b”: micro boundary violations are small violations that often occur in everyday encounters. We aren’t usually as emotionally affected. The violation doesn’t spill over into the rest of our day, because we don’t view the encounter as significant. Little “b” microaggressions are subtle and can occur in any relationship. They include passive-aggressive behaviors meant to convey displeasure, hidden messages, or anger toward another. Microaggressions are harmful expressions of a more in-depth belief system. Though seemingly small, they have a huge impact. 

Big “B”: Macro boundary violations are big violations that erode the fabric of our relationships with others. These are long-standing and persistent. Boundary violations that disrupt the fabric of a relationship are in the macro category. While violations occur routinely as a part of the relationship dynamic, macro violations, such as enmeshment, codependency, trauma bonding, and counterdependency can cause long-term damage. 

Enmeshment is defined as “family relationships with weak boundaries, lack of emotional separation, and intrusive demands for support or attention that prevent family members from developing a strong and independent sense of self”. Some boundaries for enmeshment are: allowing for physical space in the relationship, bringing other people into the mix to create additional support, before sharing ask if it’s the appropriate time and setting, and reclaiming or creating your self-identity, separate from anyone else’s. 

Codependency

• Overextending yourself
• Avoiding discussions about real issues or problems
• Cleaning up the mess that others created for themselves
• Making excuses for the poor behavior of others
• Tending to other people’s needs and neglecting your own
• Doing things for people instead of helping them do things for themselves
• Taking care of people with toxic behaviors
• Feeling as if when something happens to other people, it’s happening to you
• Describing other people’s problems as if they’re your own
• Having difficulty existing in relationships without becoming “the rescuer”
• Troubleshooting problems for others before thinking of your own issues
• Letting people rely on you in an unhealthy way
• Having one-sided relationships

In codependent relationships, one of both parties are dependent on the other for their survival. People who are codependent suffer from unhealthy boundaries, self-esteem issues, people-pleasing tendencies, and the need for control. 

Boundaries for Codependency

• Set clear expectations with regard to how you can help
• Provide feedback about how the other person’s behaviors are affecting you
• Support people without doing things for them
• Wait for people to ask for help instead of offering before they ask
• Honor your commitment to yourself about what you will and will not tolerate in relationships
• Take care of yourself
• Be vocal about toxic behaviors you observe
• Hold people accountable for caring for themselves
• Help while teaching people how to help themselves

 

When we passively-aggressively set boundaries, we say something indirectly to the other person, or we speak to someone who isn’t in a position to resolve the issue. 

A way to unsuccessfully communicate a boundary (passively)- “I’m uncomfortable sharing my needs. Therefore, I will keep them to myself.” Being passive is denying your needs, ignoring them to allow others to be comfortable. People who communicate passively are afraid of how others will perceive their needs- maybe the other person will abandon them- so they do nothing to get their own needs met. Other examples of passiveness: having an issue but not saying anything OR allowing people to do and say things with which you disagree. 

Passive-aggressiveness is a way we resist directly setting boundaries. To avoid confrontation, we hope the other person will figure out what they’re doing wrong and self-correct their behaviors through our indirect actions. But we don’t get what we want by pretending to be unbothered and avoiding the straightforward expression of our needs. Being indirect is counterproductive because our needs go unmet. This only makes us more frustrated and overwhelmed in our interactions with others. 

The manipulated person often doesn’t know they’re being taken advantage of. Being manipulated feels confusing because the manipulator is trying to make the other party feel bad. 

When someone is assertive, they will think something like this, “I know what my needs are, and I will communicate them to you”. Assertiveness is how you clearly and directly state your needs. Working on boundaries means also working on your ability to be assertive. If you want to set healthy boundaries, you must do so assertively. 

Dealing with discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part. The question asked most often is “How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?” There is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries. Guilt is part of the process. Guilt typically happens as a result of thinking that what you’re doing is “bad”. It comes from your programming about telling people what you need or want.  From the moment many of us were born, we’re made to feel guilty for having wants and needs. For example: and adult says “hug me”. The kid says “I don’t want to give you a hug”. Then the adult says, “Well, I’m going to feel so sad if you don’t give me a hug”. The intention is to evoke guilt. The bottom line is that it’s okay to ask for what you want. Stating your needs is healthy. Guilt isn’t a limitation to setting boundaries. It’s a feeling. And like all feelings, guilt will come and go. 

If you’re feeling guilty, here are some reminders: 

• It’s healthy for you to have boundaries. 
• Other people have boundaries that you respect. 
• Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship.
• If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway. 

When you’ve tried setting boundaries and your requests are continuously violated, it may be time to consider cutting people off. Ending a relationship isn’t a sign that you no longer care about the other person. It’s an indicator of self-love, self-care, healthy boundaries, bravery, and your desire to be well. Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship. 

Avoid conversations that lead you to feel emotionally drained. Action steps: ignore calls when it isn’t a good time to talk, limit the conversation to five-ten minutes, and don’t offer solutions; just listen. 

Childhood trauma impacts our development, as well as our ability to implement and honor boundaries.  

There are two unhealthy attachment styles that affect boundaries in relationships: Anxious Attachment and Avoidant Attachment. 

Anxious Attachment

• Constantly seeking validation
• Engaging in self-sabotaging behavior
• Continually threatening to leave the relationship
• Frequently arguing about how committed the other person is to the relationship
• Breaking up often over trivial issues
• Persistently questioning actions and intent, as they are seen as a threat
• Having a paralyzing fear that the relationship will end
• Desiring to be close but pushing people away
• Demonstrating needy, attention seeking behaviors
• Feeling discomfort with being alone

Avoidant Attachment 

• Continually looking for reasons to justify that the relationship isn’t working
• Hyperfocusing on the negative aspects of the relationship
• Being consumed with thoughts of getting out of the relationship
• Having difficulty with self-disclosure
• Constantly worrying about loss of autonomy
• Thinking “no one is good enough”
• Often feeling like a regular connection is “too clingy”

An unhealthy attachment style uses mostly rigid boundaries. People with anxious attachments, on the other hand, tend to have porous ones. Secure attachment is marked by healthy boundaries. 

Secure Attachment

• Is able to be away from a partner comfortably
• Regulates emotions during disputes
• Has a healthy sense of self
• Is comfortable sharing feelings
• Allows others to express feelings without overreacting 

Think of this: How are you allowing people to take advantage of you? 

Tough love is you creating and keeping healthy boundaries. 

Most people don’t want to disappoint their parents. Yet when you don’t set boundaries with your parents, you are the one who becomes disappointed, resentful, and anxious. At some point, it’s healthy for all adults to ask themselves, ” What do I want?”

At some point in your adult life, you may decide to change you holiday tradition. Perhaps you want to celebrate at home alone, travel, or celebrate with your partner’s family. To establish your plans for how you want to celebrate the holiday, start early. Waiting until the last minute by putting it off may feel better to you, but letting your family know at the last minute that you’re veering from the original plans might cause more issues in the family. 

Having boundaries helps children feel safer. Despite their opposition, they benefit from rules and structure, and limits are essential to teach them how to treat others and have healthy relationships. Kids feel safe when limits are in place consistently. 

Signs that you need boundaries with your children

• They have no rules
• Your parenting style is permissive
• Your children are used as confidants
• Your parenting style is punitive only
• They are allowed to speak to others inappropriately 

Setting limits with family is particularly challenging. For years, your family has grown accustomed to you acting a certain way and playing a particular role. Change becomes necessary when you no longer want a situation to stay the way it has been. As difficult as it might seem, improving boundaries with your family is likely to create better relationships with them. 

Examples of Implicit Agreements with Unhealthy Boundaries: You assume that people know how to conduct themselves in a relationship with you. You assume that people will meet your needs without your telling them what those needs are. You assume that people automatically know your expectations. Instead, let’s assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can’t read your mind. 

Your boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life that you want. Your wellness hinges on your boundaries. 

After reading this book, you know that when someone implements a boundary, it’s to help them feel safe, happy, and secure in the relationship. These limits aren’t to be taken personally. After you’ve done all you can, the ultimate boundary might be to end an unhealthy relationship. This is an unfortunate but sometimes unavoidable circumstance. When you choose to end a relationship because it’s no longer viable, remember that you tried. In your effort to repair the relationship, you offered solutions that could have worked. 

At first, setting your boundaries may be uncomfortable. You might feel riddled with guilt. You might question if you’re doing the right thing. But set them anyway. Push past the discomfort, and do it even while you feel afraid. You’re challenging yourself to be healthier and to have healthier relationships. 

Creating healthy boundaries is how you ensure that you’re happy and well in your relationships and in life. Here are a few benefits:

• People with boundaries sleep better
• People with boundaries experience less burnout
• People with boundaries have healthier relationships that tend to last longer
• People with boundaries experience less stress
• People with boundaries feel more joyful
• People with boundaries benefit from the short and long term value of setting them 

 

To get the book, you can find it here:

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