DRAMA FREE: a guide to managing unhealthy family relationships by Nedra Glover Tawwab is an amazing read! It is well organized, easy to read and is so helpful and informative regarding family dynamics. 

My absolute favorite quotations from the book are below:

Among the most significant contributors to your mental health, relationships can cause you pain or they can heal you.  No type of relationship is as formative as those we have with our family of origin. Many of the issues in marriages, friendships, and other relationships were birthed in our families. People may lament, “Not everything is about my family,” but so often it is. 

Who was the first person to make you feel that way? The answer typically goes back to the first experience occurring in the family. How people engage in the family is usually how they engage in the world. 

The truth is that during your childhood, you likely weren’t allowed to be yourself, so as an adult, you’re becoming more your true self. And it’s healthy for you to figure out who you are, separate from who you were molded or told to be. 

When it’s family, we might make an unhealthy exception because- it’s family. But we shouldn’t make that mistake. Don’t allow anyone to mistreat you, no matter who they are. 

Significant reactions are a sign that something deeper is being experienced. 

The relationships that impact us the most are those with family. The wounds are deep, and the relationship are filled with expectations. 

Maybe family said things like “That’s just who your parents are. You have to love them anyway.” She loved her parents, but she was tormented by how they behaved.

A dysfunctional family is one where abuse, chaos, and neglect are accepted norms. In dysfunctional families, unhealthy behaviors are overlooked, swept under the rug, or catered to. It’s hard to figure out dysfunction until you’re exposed to other, healthier situations. Even when exposed to better relationships, it can still be hard to break away from dysfunctional patterns. 

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you probably thought this was normal:

• Forgiving and forgetting (with no change in behavior)
• Moving on as if nothing happened
• Covering up problems for others
• Denying that a problem exists
• Keeping secrets that need to be shared
• Pretending to be fine
• Not expressing your emotions
• Being around harmful people
• Using aggression to get what you want 

Childhood trauma impacts our ability to process and express emotions, and it increases the likelihood of maladaptive emotional-regulation strategies (i.e. suppression of emotions). 

What we experience in childhood carries over to adulthood because once the trauma is activated, the cycle is often perpetual. 

Other factors to contribute to childhood dysfunction: 

• Self-absorbed parents
• Emotionally immature parents
• Domineering parents
• Enmeshed family relationships
• Competitive relationships within the family
• Children parenting their parents

With the right tools, we can heal from childhood and family traumas. 

When you grow up, who you grow up with, and the things you experience in your home have lifelong implications for who you become. 

Ignoring major family issues postpones the healing of unhealthy patterns. 

“That’s just how I am” is what people typically say when they aren’t ready or willing to change. 

You can teach yourself things that you never learned as a child, you can choose to respond differently, and you can be yourself. Your superpower is your ability to decide how you wish to show up in the world. 

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help us feel comfortable and safe in our relationships. In dysfunctional families, the main way boundary issues appear is through codependency or enmeshment. 

Boundaries in unhealthy families are a threat to the ecosystem of dysfunction. Changes like new boundaries mean that dysfunctional systems are being challenged. 

Shame is an attack on your character, and it strikes at the core of your emotions. In dysfunctional families, shame is used as a control tactic. S

Shame breeds guilt, and guilt moves people to compliance. 

Sadness, hurt, fear, and disappointment all rolled up into one become resentment. 

In healthy adult relationships, you don’t have to be responsible for other people. In unhealthy adult relationships, codependency can manifest as feeling entitled to access someone’s life and how they choose to function in their life. 

With codependency, you assume the other person needs your help.  When someone is co-dependent: they do things like 

• I tried to solve other people’s problems
• I neglected myself to take care of others
• I tried to convince, persuade, or push people to change
• I felt frustrated because people weren’t changing
• I minimized the impact others had on me because I didn’t want to hurt them 

 

You can manage codependency by showing people how to care for themselves, allowing them to evolve into greater self-sufficiency, and managing the expectations of your support for them. 

The magical question is, “How can I support you?”

Denial is an unhealthy coping mechanism used to maintain dysfunctional systems rather than to change them. 

“You’re so mature for your age” (actually means): you’re a people pleaser who knows how to care for others, you make more sense than those around you, you know how to be invisible, and you don’t cause problems. 

Although not having rules seems appealing, it also feels very unsafe to kids. Structure is a healthy way for parents to show care for their children’s health and well-being. Kids lack the knowledge to know what’s best for them, so they need adults to provide rules to keep them safe. 

Family relationships are the only type of relationship where people are expected to ignore and easily forgive abuse, neglect, and abandonment. When people remain in relationships where abuse or neglect has occurred, they often experience resentment, anger, grief, fear, and sadness. 

Maintaining relationships with the perpetrators of trauma can exacerbate symptoms of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, and other mental health issues. 

Ignorance is bliss because it absolves us of the need to change. Sometimes, it’s easier to pretend to be unaware of the truth because we don’t want to do the hard work of dealing with conflict and ugly realities within the family. 

Deciding to break a family pattern can and does cause issues in our relationships with family. Even when behaviors are blatantly wrong, it an be challenging for the offending family members to accept the harm they’ve caused. When someone brings family dysfunction out into the open, there’s a chance that others in the family will try to deny the problem. It’s brave to speak out against unhealthy patterns. Unfortunately, the potentially devastating impact of being vocal keeps many people silent. 

Some people may not see anything wrong with specific family issues. For instance, gossiping about family members could be an acceptable norm within a family. Gossiping might even be joked about or downplayed. However, even when people are content with certain behaviors, it doesn’t mean those behaviors are healthy. It just means that no one has the necessary tools to change the patterns. 

Children of depressed parents are 3x more likely to develop depression themselves. 

People with symptoms of PTSD are 3x more likely to abuse substances, and 1/3 of people with symptoms of depression are likely to misuse substances. 

Parents who haven’t dealt with their own family trauma often intentionally or unintentionally inflict trauma on their children. An absence of awareness is a breeding ground for cycles to repeat. 

The descendants of Holocaust survivors have been found to experience higher levels of stress-inducing hormones. 

Denial can sound like: 

• “Nothing happened”
• “We don’t talk about that”
• “I don’t want to talk about it”
• “I don’t remember” (as a way to deflect)

Instead of building more tolerance for others, perhaps it’s time to change the things you no longer want to tolerate. 

Whenever I hear “deal with”, I know they’re trying to tolerate something intolerable. Trying to handle unhealthy behaviors builds resentment, not patience. 

Ignoring a problem as a way to keep peace in the family is an unfortunate norm. 

When people judge your relationships with your family members, they speak from their own experiences, which might be different than yours. 

A part of breaking generational cycles is protecting your children from the people who hurt you and haven’t changed. Safeguarding your children from the same source of injury allows them to break a cycle. 

Common thoughts that keep people is dysfunctional systems: “That’s your _____ [insert unhealthy family member]; you have to have a relationship with them. 

We often say that people “survive” a dysfunctional family, but we rarely acknowledge that people can thrive despite a dysfunctional family. Thriving suggests that, yes, the environment was impactful, but our personality, determination, and essence superseded our conditions. 

Conscious awareness and effort are what separate someone who thrives from someone who survives. You can consciously create a different life, and those who do are known as “cyclebreakers”.

If your childhood was unhealthy, as an adult, you can:

• create a family of loving and supportive people 
• set boundaries around how you will allow people to show up in your life
• choose which relationships from your family of origin are worth maintaining
• find role models outside your family, and learn from them
• establish new holiday traditions
• take and use the parts of your childhood that were healthy, and discard the rest
• find community among people who are also healing (you are not alone)

You aren’t keeping the peace if only the other person is at peace while you are not. 

It makes sense that we expect our parents to rise above who they are in order to care for us, but they are who they are until they take steps to change. 

Allow people to change without telling them what they need to change. 

Stop pretending that things are normal, and give up staying silent to keep the peace. Healthy relationships require tough conversations and boundaries. 

Some of the reasons you may find yourself needing to take a break: your energy is adversely affected by interactions with the person, you become easily frustrated or short-tempered when you’re with them, you feel that your boundaries aren’t honored, you’re in a different season of your life. 

You can’t pick your family, but you can decide who you want to have in your life. All adult relationships are a choice. No one is forcing you to be in an unhealthy relationship. 

When people say, “you have to love your family no matter what”, they may not understand or comprehend the “what” that has caused you to create distance or end a relationship. Perhaps the only way to love certain family members and be well is to love them from a distance. In doing this, you’re choosing self-preservation and self-love.

When staying is harder, leaving becomes an option. 

Remember this: you don’t have to accept mistreatment from people just because you’re related to them. You don’t have to stay in unhealthy relationships because of shared history. Healthy relationships are rooted in love, mutual respect, and connection. Ask yourself: is this relationship supportive of my values and what I want in my life?  

Severing ties with one or more family members is called estrangement, and it’s more common than we may care to acknowledge. Sometimes, the estrangement is intended to be short-term, used as a pause, or it may be long-term with no plans to reconcile. Two types of estrangement can occur; intentional emotional detachment or physical estrangement with termination of all contact. Estrangement may sometimes seem sudden, but the cutoff often happens when the person who leaves has had enough. So it doesn’t really happen out of the blue, as seeds of judgment, differing beliefs, mistrust, chaos, and/or trauma have been present, often for many years. 

The leading cause of estrangement for mothers and daughters is a difference in values. 

We often feel a deep sense of connection and loyalty toward family despite mistreatment. Guilt is one of the primary emotions we experience in this situation. This is natural since we live in a society that supports the narrative of “blood is thicker than water”. Few exceptions are made for those of us who endure trauma, abuse, and dysfunction at the hands of family members. Others might assume the person ending the relationship is cold, when in fact that person is wounded and feels justified, though often conflicted, in their decision. 

Reminders for people with difficult family relationships:  You aren’t obligated to have relationships with unhealthy people. You can’t create healthy relationships with people who aren’t interested in having healthy relationships. When you speak your truth, you aren’t betraying anyone; you’re honoring yourself. You can create family relationships with people who aren’t related to you. 

It’s perfectly fine to let other people know it isn’t OK for them to tell you what to do in your relationships with other people, especially those who have harmed you. When someone chooses to end a relationship with a family member, it’s almost never based on one thing, and it isn’t an easy decision. Often, the relationship has ended after many rounds of forgiveness and trying to make it work. When we encounter someone who has decided to let go of a relationship that disturbed their peace and caused their mental or emotional stress, so we should offer them grace instead of opinions. 

You might feel guilty when you make a choice that’s healthy for you but disappointment to others. But guilt isn’t necessarily an indication that you’re doing something wrong. 

Feeling bad for getting out of an unhealthy situation and leaving others behind is a form of survivor’s guilt. It’s unlikely that we can help people more than they want to be helped. It’s hard to watch people suffer when we know what will help them, as that violates their free will. 

We can let go of guilt by acknowledging that not everyone wants the same things as we do, or that they might not currently have the tools to make a change. 

When people repeat the behaviors they apologize for, it voids the apology.

Progress-focused venting involves attempting to understand the complete picture, processing your feelings and thoughts, and determining what could help you feel better and move on. 

If we want to stay connected to someone who has hurt us, we have to meet them where they are and accept what they’re capable of offering. 

When you communicate that something isn’t healthy or normal, you might suddenly be seen as the problem while your family ignores the real issue. Families often pretend there are no problems, so talking about issues is perceived as a threat to the system. 

Gaslighting statement: “That’s in the past, you don’t have to bring it up”. 

Know yourself well enough to understand when you can’t be around certain people, and make a commitment to take good care of yourself. For instance, if the thought of seeing a family member increases your anxiety, leads to moodiness, or increases you propensity to engage in negative behaviors, you are being triggered. Be proactive about taking care of yourself when you notice your triggers. 

Family is not solely by blood; it’s also: the people who choose you, the people you feel deeply connected to, the people who offer you a sense of safety, the people who consistently show up for you, the people who are willing to give you what you need, and the people who know you well and love you greatly. In adulthood, we choose our relationships. Family means connection, not just blood ties. 

“Because they’re family”- is not a valid reason to maintain a relationship, especially one that causes stress. Be clear about when relationships have value and when they’re simply an obligation. 

The people you count as family are essential. 

When you don’t the support from blood or chosen family that you’d like, you can be for yourself what you wish others would be. You can teach yourself what you’d like others to teach you. What you’re searching for in others lies within you. Supporting yourself looks like striving to be the best version of yourself and offering yourself grace along the way. 

Be the person you would have looked up to in childhood. Make yourself proud by becoming what you wish you existed in your family.

Vulnerability will lead you to authentic relationships. Show up as yourself, be honest and clear about your expectations, and you will find your community. 

Some have written letters to their parents discussing past or present issues and I’ve even heard of some parents reading the letter and never mentioning that it was received because THEY AREN’T READY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION. You can always ask, “When you saw my letter, what did you think about it?”

We rarely talk about how hard it is to accept that our parents were never what we needed in childhood and still aren’t what we need. Even though we can’t change people, it can be difficult to have relationships with those who won’t change. Give yourself a lot of grace if you’re still accepting the reality of who your parents are. 

Determine their emotional age, as opposed to their chronological age, and set your expectations accordingly. Your parents may not resemble the other parents in their age bracket. 

Reparenting- give yourself what you didn’t have growing up. Some parents aren’t emotionally equipped to meet your expectations, and they may never rise to the job of parenting in the way you’d like. In these instances, it’s imperative that you parent yourself. Reparenting is a healthy way to nurture your inner child while offering yourself the care you needed. 

Reparenting yourself can look like this:

• Saying “I’m proud of you” to yourself
• Preparing nutritious meals for yourself
• Completing tasks slowly
• Reassuring yourself
• Planning celebrations for yourself
• Affirming yourself using “I am” statements
• Sleeping 8 hours each night
• Playing
• Rewarding yourself for big and small accomplishments 

You never outgrow needing someone to nurture you. When you become an adult, your needs look different, but they don’t disappear. 

Covering up your pain isn’t healthy for you or your children. It takes strength to be vulnerable enough to share your emotions with others. Normalizing your feelings can help children feel comfortable expressing theirs. 

Don’t deny your feelings to kids when they see you experience something difficult. If so, they won’t know how to respond organically when something similar happens to them. Sharing occasionally isn’t too much as long as you don’t turn your children into your emotional caretakers. 

Making harsh statements and pretending that those statements are jokes is gaslighting. Gaslighting is hurtful because the other person is essentially saying, “rather than admit the truth, I will make you believe you’re out of your mind”. 

To get your copy of this amazing book: click here

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