I wanted to learn more regarding codependency and when Brene Brown said that THIS is the book to read for that…well, you take note! Below are my favorite excerpts from the book. 

The word ‘codependency’ appeared on the treatment scene in the late seventies. The word emerged simultaneously in several different treatment centers in Minnesota. 

If you want to get rid of it, you have to do something to make it go away. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility. 

Robert Subby wrote codependency is “an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules- rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems”. 

Earnie Larsen, another codependency specialist defines codependency as “those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.” 

Unwritten, silent rules usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect, selfishness, trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change. 

A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. 

Recovery lies not in the other person- no matter how much we believe it does. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people’s behavior affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the obsessive “helping”, caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, abundance of anger and guilt. Other centeredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems and intimacy problems. 

Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act. 

Codependency behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives- ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person each of us can control- the only person we can change- ourselves.  These are our problems. 

A list of just a few codependency behaviors: 

• feel compelled-almost forced-to help that person solve the problem
• wonder why others don’t do the same for them
• find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don’t really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
• not know what they want or need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important
• overcommit themselves
• feel harried and pressure
• become emotionally dependent on the people around us

Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos. There is just so much worry and responsibility in the air. It overworks us and underworks them. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we can’t solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves. When I suggest to people that they detach from a person or problem, they recoil in horror. “Oh no!” they say. “I could never do that. I love him, or her, too much. I care too much to do that. This problem or person is too important to me. I have to stay attached!” There’s a better way. It is called “detachment”. It may be scary at first, but it will ultimately work better for everyone involved. Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people’s responsibilities and tend to our own instead. We allow people to be who they are. After we’ve detached and taken our grip off the people around us, what’s left? Each of us is left with ourselves. 

When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you- they are saying they don’t love themselves. 

Codependents aren’t the people who “make things happen”. They control in the name of love. They do it “only to try to help”. They do it to stop the pain. They control instead of stopping to think. 

Codependents are caretakers- rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized. Study the Karpman Drama Triangle.

After we rescue, we will inevitably move to the next corner of the triangle: persecution. We become resentful and angry at the person we have so generously “helped”. Then it’s time for our final move. We head right for our favorite spot: the victim corner on the bottom. This is the predictable and unavoidable result of a rescue. Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love. The Drama Triangle is a hate triangle. 

We not only meet people’s needs, but we anticipate them. We fix, nurture, and fuss over others. We make better, solve, and attend to. 

I am not referring to acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping- situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance. These acts are the good stuff of life. 

“I thought she might be angry with me”- more emotional responsibility….as if someone else’s anger is my business. 

Two codependents in a relationship can really play havoc with each other. Many of us do not understand what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for. At the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth. Caretaking provides us with a temporary hit of good feelings, self-worth, and power. We don’t feel loveable, so we settle for being needed. We rescue because we don’t feel good about other people either. Sometimes with justification, sometimes without, we decide other people simply cannot be help responsible for themselves. 

Taking care of children is not rescuing. That is an actual responsibility and is not the kind of caretaking I’m talking about. 

Self care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, “I am responsible for myself. I am responsible for leading or not living my life. I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being. I am responsible for my choices. I am responsible for what I give and receive. I am responsible for how much I enjoy life, for how much pleasure I find in daily activities”. 

Most codependents don’t ask for what they need. Many don’t know or haven’t given much thought to what they want and need. We haven’t learned to identify what we need, or listen to what we need because it didn’t matter anyway- our needs weren’t going to get met. 

Sometimes we try to make our feelings disappear because we are afraid of them. To acknowledge how we really feel would demand a decision- action or change- on our part. It would bring us face to face with reality. We would become aware of what we’re thinking, what we want, and what we need to do. And we’re not ready to do that yet. 

Letting people make our decisions for us means we’re getting rescued, which means we’re feeling like victims. We’re not victims. Furthermore, it is not our business to make decisions for other adults. 

Many codependents have poor communication skills. Whenever our answer is no, start the response with the word no, instead of saying “I don’t think so” or “maybe”, or some other wavering phrase. 

Learn to say: “I love you, but I love me, too. This is what I need to do to take care of me”. 

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