This is a fabulous book on Attachment Theory. There are 3 types of attachment styles and this book breaks it down with a quiz to take to find out if you are more anxious, secure, or avoidant.

Below are my favorite quotes and things I learned from the book:

All people in our society, whether they have just started dating someone or have been married for 40 years, fall into one of these categories, or, more rarely, into a combination of (anxious and avoidant). Just over 50% are secure, around 20% are anxious, and 25% are avoidant, and the remaining 3-5% fall into the fourth, less common category (combination anxious and avoidant). 

One of the main messages of this theory is that in romantic situations, we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner. 

The adult attachment designates 3 main “attachment styles” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; Anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. 

We know that attachment styles in adulthood are influenced by a variety of factors, one of which is the way our parents cared for us, but other factors also come into play, including our life experiences. 

1 in 4 people change their attachment style over a 4 year period. Most people are unaware of the issue, so these changes happen without their ever knowing they have occurred. 

Bowlby observed that even infants who had all of their nutritional needs taken care of but lacked an attachment figure (such as infants raised in institution or displaced during the Second World War) failed to develop normally. They showed stunted physical, intellectual, emotional, and social development. Ainsworth’s and Bowlby’s studies made it clear that the connection between infant and caretaker was an essential for the child’s survival as food and water. 

The basic premise underlying this point of view is that the ideal relationship is one between 2 self-sufficient people who unite in a mature, respectful way while maintaining clear boundaries. 

When 2 people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. 

Avoidants have attachment needs but actively suppress them. 

If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory. 

In one experiment, having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to go out into a previously unknown environment and explore with confidence. This presence is known as a secure base. It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100% certainty and turn to in times of need. A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn. 

We want to be highly functional at work, at ease and inspired in our hobbies, and compassionate enough to care for our children and partners. If we feel secure, like the infant in the strange situation test when her mother is present, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life. 

Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feel comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer. 

Some qualities of the various attachment styles:

*Anxious- you love to be very close to your romantic partners. Relationships consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions. You take your partner’s behaviors too personally. Craves intimacy, but very sensitive to even the smallest perceived threat to closeness. Sometimes interpreting their partners unconscious actions as a threat to the relationship. Easily become flooded with apprehension, but lack the skills to communicate their distress to their partner. 

*Secure- being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Reliable, consistent, and trustworthy. Programmed to expect their partners to be loving and responsive and don’t worry much about losing their partner’s love. Engulfs partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task. 

*Avoidant- preference to maintain independence and self-sufficiency. Feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and keep partner’s at arms length. Tend to not open up and they complain of emotional distance. Devaluing their partner when things become too close is quite typical. The pattern of behavior is driven by a generally dismissive attitude toward connectedness. 

If you have an anxious attachment style, you possess a unique ability to sense when your relationship is threatened. Even a slight hint that something may be wrong will activate your attachment system, and once it’s activated, you are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that he or she is truly there for you and that the relationship is safe. Once activated, they are often consumed with thoughts that have a single purpose; to reestablish closeness with their partner. These thoughts are called activating strategies. Activating strategies are any thoughts or feelings that compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your partner. Once he or she responds to you in a way that reestablishes security, you can revert back to your calm, normal self. 

Chances are, if you are anxious, you will automatically interpret calmness in the relationship as a lack of attraction. A habit of years is not easy to shed. But if you hold out a little longer, you may start to appreciate a calm attachment system and all the advantages it has to offer. Understanding and utilizing attachment principles marks the beginning of a new phase of a relationship- a more secure phase. 

Protest behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention. There are many ways that protest behavior can manifest itself, anything that can jolt the other person into noticing you and responding to you. 

People may be used to equating an activated attachment system with love, that they conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy people might let the perfect partner pass them by. It is important to ask, “Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?”

Studies have found that faced with a stressful life event, such as divorce, the birth of a severely disabled child, or military trauma, avoidants’ defenses are quick to break down and they then appear and behave just like people with an anxious attachment style. 

When you’re excited about someone but suddenly have a gut feeling that she/he is not right for you, stop and think. Is this actually a deactivating strategy? Are all those small imperfections you’re starting to notice really your attachment system’s way of making you step back? Someone with an anxious attachment style, however, will exacerbate avoidance. 

Omri Gillath, from the University of Kansas, discovered a specific pattern of the dopamine receptor DRD2 allele is associated with the anxious attachment style. 

There is increasing evidence that a secure attachment doesn’t originate from a single source. The equation of a caring and sensitive parent producing a secure-for-life child is too one-dimensional; instead it seems that an entire mosaic of factors comes together to create this attachment pattern: our early connection with our parents, our genes, and also something else- our romantic experiences as adults. 

One of the most important roles we play in our partner’s lives is providing a secure base. 

Subjects with a more secure attachment style are indeed less likely to play games. If the partner treats them disrespectfully, it’s indicative of his inability to be responsive in a relationship, and not of her own worth. 

If you’re secure, one of the reasons you’re able to maintain a satisfying relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style is because he or she will gradually become more secure as a result of being with you. 

People with a secure attachment style view their partners’ well-being as their responsibility. 

If you’re secure but start to feel agitated, worried, or jealous or if you find yourself thinking twice before expressing your feelings, or are becoming less trusting, it is a huge warning sign and very likely that you’re with the wrong person or that you’ve been through a difficult experience that has shaken the core of your secure foundation. Life events like the loss of a loved one, illness, or divorce can cause such a shift. 

When two people have colliding intimacy needs, their relationship is likely to become more of a storm-tossed voyage than a safe haven. 

The reason people in an anxious-avoidant relationship find it particularly hard to move toward more security is primarily because they are trapped in a cycle of exacerbating each other’s insecurities. 

People with an anxious or secure attachment style seek to resolve a disagreement to achieve greater emotional closeness. People with anxious attachment style tend to get overwhelmed by negative emotions. Avoidants react differently to a fight. They turn off all attachment-related memories and remember the worst of their partner. 

Attachment research shows that people tend to become more secure when they are in a relationship with someone secure. 

Research into the molecular mechanism of memory and learning reveals that whenever we recall a scene- or retrieve a certain memory to our conscious mind- we disrupt it, and by doing so, we alter it forever. 

Shedding your insecure working model will do wonders for your ability to function in the world at large. 

Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in a direct, nonaccusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool. It’s used naturally by people with a secure attachment style. 

If you’re anxious…you start to feel something is bothering you in your relationship, you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotions and think in extremes. These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively. Does he/she care enough to listen to your worries, reassure you, and do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and loved? Despite your understandable fear of getting hurt, we advise to avoid protest behavior by taking a leap of faith and adopting effective communication. 

What is vital is your partner’s response- whether he or she is concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things. 

A major misconception about conflict is romantic relationships is that people in good relationships should fight very little. All couples- even secure ones- have their fair share of fights. 

The fundamental premise of a good relationship- the other person’s well-being is as important as your own. Ignoring your partner’s needs will have a direct impact on your own emotions, satisfaction level, and even physical health. 

Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. It means that you’re an active agent who can be heard, and it opens the door for a much richer emotional dialogue.

Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences, above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer. It is easy to allow some deeply ingrained misconceptions to influence our thinking. If you’ve read this book and understand where you are each coming from in terms of your attachment styles, you can now tackle this problem from a completely different angle. 

It is extremely hard to let go of concepts we’ve believed our entire lives!

When our partner acts as our secure base and emotional anchor, we derive strength and encouragement to go out into the world and make the most of ourselves. Above all, remain true to your authentic self- playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else. 

TO GET THIS BOOK FOR YOURSELF AND READ MORE OF THE AMAZING INFORMATION, CLICK BELOW: 

 

 

Yum