FIERCE SELF-COMPASSION: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive

I really enjoyed this book! I learned so much about self-kindness and how to balance tender self-compassion along with fierce action to claim your power and use it to help the world. These are my most favorite things I learned from the book: 

 

At the most basic level, self-compassion simply requires being a good friend to ourselves. An important first step in becoming more self-compassionate is to examine how we treat ourselves when we struggle compared to how we treat those we care about. 

Self-Compassion is comprised of 3 main elements: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness. 

The foundation of self-compassion is the ability to turn mindfully toward our discomfort and acknowledge it. We can’t heal what we can’t feel. 

A constant state of reactivity is why being hard on ourselves is so bad for our health, leading to stress, anxiety, and depression. It’s important that we don’t judge ourselves for these reactions, as they stem from the innocent desire to be safe. 

Backdraft= When a fire has been raging in a closed or poorly ventilated room, firefighters are careful about opening doors to combat the blaze within. If the oxygen inside has been used up by the fire and doors are suddenly opened, fresh oxygen rushes in, igniting the fire even further. It can be dangerous and explosive. The same thing can happen sometimes with self-compassion. If we had to tightly shut the doors of our hearts to deal with early childhood pain, when we start to open our hearts the “fresh air” of love comes in, bringing awareness to the suffering trapped inside. This can sometimes burst out in disturbing ways and become overwhelming. It’s not just people with trauma histories who experience backdraft, either. Anyone who’s used shutting down and closing themselves off as a way to manage difficult emotions can experience backdraft when first starting to practice self-compassion. 

The quintessential question of self-compassion is “What do I need right now?” and more specifically “What do I need to help alleviate my suffering?” The answer to this question changes depending on the circumstances. 

Self-kindness means we fulfill ourselves emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 

“Being With” our pain implies stillness.

“Near Enemy” is a useful Buddhist concept referring to a state of mind that appears similar to the desired state- hence it is “near”- but actually undermines it, which is why it’s an enemy. Each of the forms of self-compassion can morph into a near enemy when yin and yang aren’t in balance. For instance, when yin acceptance occurs without yang willingness to take action, it can turn into passivity and complacence. The Tibetan teacher Chogyam Trungpa termed this “idiot compassion”. 

Women are socialized to avoid upsetting people rather than getting angry or fierce. But we can no longer be passive in order to avoid rocking the boat. The boat needs to be rocked!

Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you want to be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding. -Betty White 

One of the reasons it’s essential for women to develop fierce self-compassion is because expressing power in a meaningful way is limited by gender-role stereotypes. Women are seen as sensitive, warm, cooperative, and concerned with the welfare of others, whereas men are seen as strong, aggressive, goal-oriented, and independent. Culture encourages women to develop their tender qualities but not their fierce ones. Men are taught to suppress their tender side and be fierce instead. Yin and Yang must be balanced and integrated in order for us to be whole, but gender-role socialization means that men and women are only allowed to be half human. 

Men are harmed by a culture of toxic masculinity that shames them for being soft, sensitive, or vulnerable. Psychologists have argued these norms hinder male emotional intelligence by emphasizing aggressiveness at the expense of interpersonal connection. The corresponding need for women to develop fierce yang traits is even more critical. Circumscribed gender roles may harm both sexes psychologically, but they benefit men disproportionately since they’re rewarded with leadership roles and access to resources. 

Yin qualities of cooperation and caring for the needs of others, though beautiful and essential, serve to maintain social inequality if they’re not balanced with yang qualities of self-assertion and agency. 

Research indicates that there are at least 3 types of sexism:  Hostile sexism promotes the belief that men are superior to women; it’s closely associated with bias and discrimination. Men with this worldview actively dislike women who display nontraditional gender roles, such as feminists and female CEO’s. 

Benevolent Sexism- a “positive” form of prejudice that seeks to protect women. This ideology holds highly favorable views of women, seeing them as naturally kinder, warmer, and more caring than men. It also considers men to be obligated to protect, cherish, and provide for women. Benevolent sexism firmly cements a separate-spheres ideology in which women are seen as best suited for private domestic roles and men for public leadership. The idea is that men and women are separate but equal. From this perspective, a man should lead and a woman should follow. A woman may be proud of her kind and tender disposition but feel she must rely on her husband’s agentic qualities to protect her, provider for her, and achieve success on her behalf. 

The third type of sexism, modern sexism, simply denies that sexism exists. This is the most insidious form because it doesn’t argue that men and women should be treated differently, but rather claims men and women are already treated the same. 

Women who are forceful or dominant tend to experience social backlash. Assertive behavior that would be perfectly acceptable in a man often results in a woman being disliked, insulted, and distrusted. If a man clearly and firmly rejects someone else’s idea because he thinks it’s inadequate, he is seen as decisive and confident. If a woman does so in the exact same manner, she’s seen as a domineering bitch. Fear of backlash leads many women to suppress their fierce side in order to gain social approval. Women who can be firm and express themselves authentically are happier and more satisfied with their lives. 

The reason we’re less self-compassionate is partly due to the fact that we tend to be more self-critical. 

Anger is a powerful expression of yang energy. Almost as soon as they learn to walk and talk, girls are encouraged by parents and teachers to display tender qualities- to be pleasant, helpful, and cooperative- but are actively discouraged from showing the fierce quality of anger. Adults react to anger as natural and acceptable in boys but not in girls. Little girls are told to use a “nicer” voices 3 times more often than boys, hammering home the message that it’s our role to keep the peace rather than upset the applecart. 

Because women aren’t allowed to express anger outwardly the same way that men are, we tend to turn it inward in the form of self-criticism. We are also more likely then men to negatively judge ourselves for getting angry, leading to even harsher self-criticism. It also helps explain why women are twice as likely as men to be depressed. We fold under the pressure of self-loathing and become shell-shocked from our own constant attacks. 

Professor Raymond Novaco, an expert in the study of anger from the University of California, Irvine, has described at lease 5 ways that anger can  be a helpful emotion. First, anger energizes us. It gives us the blast of motivation needed to stop injury or injustice. Whether it’s talking with authorities, going to the polls, or taking to the streets the way so many of us did after Donald Trump’s election or George Floyd’s death, we need to get angry to create change. Second, anger provides incredible focus on what threatens to harm us. It acts like a laser beam pinpointing present danger. Third, anger helps us to defend and protect ourselves. It overrides the fear response and helps us to fight back against someone who is hurting us or treating us unfairly. A fourth useful aspect to anger is that it has a clear communication function. It alerts us to the fact that something is wrong, at the same time that it lets others know we’re unhappy about it. Finally, anger provides a sense of personal control and empowerment. When we’re angry and engaged in changing things for the better, we’re no longer that helpless victim. Even if we can’t change our situation, anger prevents us from collapsing into a heap of fear and shame. We take on the spirit of a survivor. Anger reminds us that we have a powerful voice in how we choose to live our lives. 

Prohibitions against women’s anger as “unbecoming” and  “unladylike” are a form of social control, a way of keeping us in our place. 

This is why women who’ve been abused benefit so much from self-compassion, because it helps undo the damage caused to their sense of self. 

We’re compassion specialists, raised from birth to care for others. But it can feel less familiar, even uncomfortable, when we turn that concern inward. 

The 3 components of self-compassion act as a direct antidote to shame: mindfulness prevents us from overidentifying with our missteps, common humanity counteracts feelings of isolation from others, and kindness allows us to feel worthy despite our imperfections. 

When we don’t have the emotional resources necessary to deal with problematic aspects of ourselves or our lives, we sometimes use negative coping strategies to avoid our pain. We may drown our distress in alcohol, drugs, or sex in a compulsive manner, desperately trying to feel good if only for a short time. But when the high wears off or the thrill of the experience fades, we come back to the same reality and try to escape it all over again. This is how the addictive cycle is born. There’s even one study that found self-compassionate people were less likely to be addicted to chocolate, a favorite feel-better remedy. 

A study by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that one of the reasons self-compassionate individuals are more likely to admit when they’re wrong and apologize for their behavior is because they’re less debilitated by shame: they feel safe enough to own up to what they’ve done. Self-compassion, far from being a way to evade personal accountability, actually strengthens it. 

For too long we’ve been taught to value dependence over independence, to be attractive and sexy- not as a way of expressing ourselves, but as a means to attract a man who can protect us. We don’t need men to protect us, we need to protect ourselves. 

By owning our uniqueness while being connected to something larger than ourselves, we truly come into our power. 

One of the reasons many White people don’t acknowledge the harsh reality of racial inequality is because it’s too disturbing. Acknowledging the suffering of people of color-and our complicity in the system that sustains this suffering- would be too painful. We turn away to maintain our peace of mind, which conveniently also means we don’t have to question the privilege we gain from systemic racism. We carry on as if there were no cost or consequence. 

A study by the Department of Veterans Affairs found that the amount of compassion soldiers displayed toward themselves after returning from their tour of duty- treating themselves with warmth and support rather than harshly criticizing themselves- was actually a stronger predictor of whether or not they eventually developed PTSD than their level of combat exposure. 

It can be easier to focus our anger on the person who’s caused the harm than to deal with the more vulnerable feelings, like grief or rejection, that lie below that anger.  We can’t rely on those who have harmed us to meet them; wishing that they would change is often unrealistic. 

Compassion is rooted in Connection. 

When we become fixated on determining right versus wrong, it can actually work against our ability to see clearly.

If we’re at all ego-defensive in such situations, we end up invalidating the experience of the person we’ve offended, silencing their voice. 

The essential self-compassion question is: What do I need?

Research shows that women are more likely than men to be strained by continually sacrificing our own needs to the demands of family, friends, and partners. One consequence of this pattern is that women wind up with less free time.

When our goal is to alleviate suffering by meeting our own needs, the 3 elements of self-compassion- self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness- manifest as fulfilling, balanced authenticity. 

Most of us weren’t raised to think much about emotional or psychological fulfillment, or the kind of life we truly want to live. We were directed toward passing set milestones- graduating high school, receiving a college degree (if that was the expectation), getting a job, finding a life partner, having children and raising them, advancing in our career. It’s often not until retirement that we even pause to seriously consider what makes us fulfilled or satisfied. When we truly care for ourselves, the question “What do i need?” becomes woven into the fabric of our lives. 

One reason that cultivating self-compassion is so essential for women is because the norms and expectations of patriarchy work so strongly against us acting to meet our own needs. People who adhere to an ideology of benevolent sexism see women as born nurturers who are happy to sacrifice our own interests for others. From this viewpoint, giving is our calling in life. 

While prioritizing others is no longer described as our duty, it’s an unspoken expectation of being a good women. We’re told that in order to be “nice” we must agree to other’s requests. 

When we really care about ourselves, our needs matter. They must matter. Our ideals of being loving, caring, giving women must include ourselves or else it’s not really loving. By denying our own authenticity and fulfillment, we are, on a spiritual and psychological level, liming the natural expressions of a unique and beautiful individual whose story cannot be told by any other. Fortunately, we have a chance to upset this status quo if we take an active role in questioning these norms and find the courage to do things differently. 

When I develop my inner world so that I’m more engaged and alive, I’ll bring that vibrancy to everyone I come into contact with. Meeting our own needs is a gift to the world. 

In many ways self-compassion is a way of reparenting ourselves. 

Women are skilled at giving their hearts. The problem is that we give away our power with our hearts if we believe that the source of love and safety lies in a relationship with a partner, rather than in a relationship with ourselves.

It’s not so much what happens to you in life that determines your health and happiness, but how compassionately you relate to everything that’s happening. 

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