The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg is EXCEPTIONAL! It discusses the relationship between a codependent and the narcissist. Below are my favorite excerpts. 

We live in a world of wounded people. Many of them don’t even know they’re wounded or in what ways, or how those wounds influence their thoughts, perceptions, behavior, their very lives. You’ll never know what benefit might emerge from the good work that can come of healing your own wounds. Sometimes it comes in the form of something or someone, quite extraordinary that you’d never expect. 

You are as much a victim of, as you are at fault for, your dysfunctional relationships. 

When codependents and narcissists meet and become enveloped in a seductive, dreamlike state, their relationship often unfolds into a “seesaw” of love, pain, hope, and disappointment. This magnetic force, or what I refer to as the Human Magnet Syndrome, has the raw power to bring codependents and narcissists together in a perfect storm of love and dysfunction. The magnetic power of this dysfunctional love keeps these seemingly opposite lovers together despite their shared misery and fervent hopes of changing each other. 

The author renamed ‘Codependency’ to Self-Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD). 

Shouldn’t we all choose to look honestly and courageously at ourselves and seek to understand our entrenched, unconscious motives? Shouldn’t we also strive to heal deeply imbedded psychological wounds that, without resolution, will likely block us from ever finding our soulmate? 

We are creatures of our past and affected more by our formative years than by recent events and circumstances. How we were cared for as children is integral to our adult mental health and the quality of our relationships. 

By molding yourself into their “pleasing” or “trophy child”, you might have found a way to shield yourself from a worse childhood fate, but it would come at an unimaginable cost. Your comfort in sacrificing and being invisible would eventually coalesce into adult codependency. 

Starving for people to need and love her, she worked hard to be any lucky person’s friend. 

You only get to be a victim once. After that, you’re a volunteer. 

The problem cannot be permanently resolved until fair and appropriate responsibility is apportioned. 

They were unfortunate victims and willing participants, they were more apt to dig deep into the darker, more remote unconscious forces that kept them repeating the same distressing, but often exciting, dance. Codependents dance well with narcissists because their pathological personalities or “dance styles” fit together, like a hand in a glove. Almost instantly, they dance magnificently together because they are able to instinctively anticipate each other’s moves. 

The Codependency Dance requires two people: the pleaser/fixer and the talker/controller. This inherently dysfunctional dance requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: a codependent and a narcissist. Codependents, who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others, do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with individuals who are narcissistic- selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful. Codependents habitually find themselves on a “dance floor” attracted to “dance partners” who perfectly match up to their uniquely passive, submissive, and acquiescent dance style. 

When codependents and narcissists pair up, the dancing experience sizzles with excitement- at least in the beginning. 

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but secretly harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking a more active role in their dance experience. They are convinced they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests as a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner. 

The author goes on the state that codependency treatment was largely ineffective. After more than a decade of my own psychotherapy and research, I have determined that once-weekly individual psychotherapy simply does not provide long term relief for codependency’s troubling and treatment-resistant symptoms. I became hell-bent on identifying the invisible dysfunctional forces behind the self-destructive psychological condition known as codependency. Without further ado, let me offer more information about what I believe codependency is and why it requires magnetic-like relational forces to exist. 

Due to unconscious, trauma-based psychological forces, codependents and pathological narcissists are almost always attracted to each other. Codependency is both a relationship and an individual condition that can only be resolved by the codependent. Codependency is not just limited to romantic couplings, as it manifests itself in varying degrees in most other significant relationships. 

PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSISM- represents a person with 1 of 4 disorders. Pathological narcissists are people who fit the diagnostic criteria for either Narcissistic, Borderline, or Antisocial (Sociopathy) Personality Disorders, and/or active addicts. To varying degrees, all pathological narcissists are selfish, self-consumed, demanding, entitled, and controlling. They are exploitative people who rarely or selectively reciprocate any form of generosity. Pathological narcissists are only empathetic or sensitive to others when doing so results in a tangible reward for themselves and/or when it makes then feel valued, important, and appreciated. Because narcissists are deeply impacted by their personal shame and loneliness, but they are consciously unaware of it. 

Codependents are reflexively drawn to opposite (narcissistic) individuals who match up with their submissive, giving, and sacrificing natures. 

Feeling needed is mistaken for being loved, and therefore they experience a wealth of distorted “love” in relationships with narcissists. In the relationship, both are relieved of their significant psychological burden of shame, loneliness, and self-loathing they have been carrying around their entire lives. Because neither partner can tolerate being alone, or the subsequent feelings of loneliness, and both get their dysfunctional needs met through the alliance, the bond is replete with apparent dysfunctional benefits. 

The intense experience of enmeshed infatuation renders the codependent unable to recognize their latest “soulmate” as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, hiding their narcissistically harmful and more despicable traits. Pathological narcissists are in unfamiliar relationship territory when surrounded by others who are either similarly narcissistic or psychologically health with good self-esteem. Some people make them feel judged, misunderstood, awkward, and easily agitated. 

Personality traits that are dichotomously opposite, but potentially compatible: thinking vs feeling, and introverted vs extroverted. 

Like addicts who are chemically dependent, codependents compulsively seek the company of a romantic partner to numb or medicate the intense emotional pain that has followed them throughout their life. When codependents first meet the oppositely aligned narcissist, they experience limerence- the wallop of intense pleasure and euphoria- that immediately numbs their lifelong battle with core shame and loneliness. Codependents are prone to this addiction, as it is their drug of choice. 

The “addicted” codependent dares not stop taking the drug, as to do so would trigger its primary withdrawal symptoms- pathological loneliness. Most codependents describe this as the most painful of all emotions. 

When codependents meet a prospective healthy partner, they feel like a “fish out of water”. These are nerve-wracking connections, as the codependent is intimidated and insecure about the other’s ease and comfort at setting boundaries and expressing emotions. The person’s good mental health is a reminder of what is wrong with them and how pathetic they feel. This “oil and water” experience provokes both the codependent and the healthier person to prematurely end their time together or not pursue any follow-up connections. 

The “relationship math” image fits with my personal and professional understanding of oppositely compatible codependent/narcissist relationships. It is the simplest explanation I have for why codependents and narcissists feel balanced by each other and why the relationship endures over time. My explanation for the relationship math is this:  Codependents and pathological narcissists are psychologically underdeveloped people who need each other to feel good about themselves. Alone, they are empty; lonely people who need the company of another to escape their fundamental feelings of core shame and pervasive loneliness. The codependent is conscious of these, while the narcissist successfully runs or hides from them. Alone, both will always feel incomplete, unsatisfied, and lonely. Together, they are able to forget what is essentially wrong with and what they dislike, or even hate, about themselves. They experience a respite from the chronic loneliness and shame that has followed them their entire lives. Together, they both mistake complete enmeshment and the absence of loneliness as euphoric happiness and joy. This “1/2” plus “1/2” combination is the only mathematical formula that will work with these two self-love-starved and shame based people, who depend on one another for any modicum of happiness. They will always need each other to feel whole. This relationship of two halves can never be a whole relationship, as both people lack the requisite self-love and individuation. 

A Codependency blood test? The imaginary toxicology report would reveal the following:

• One part childhood-attachment trauma
• One part core shame
• One part pathological loneliness
• One part codependency addiction
• One part childhood gaslighting
• One part adult gaslighting 

The number 1 problem of most codependents: Roller Coaster Amnesia (excitement and euphoria from the ‘i will never do that again’ to the ‘the was the most exciting moment of my life’. The dance with death memories are then conveniently reshaped into excitement and euphoria).

The term ‘borderline’ came into existence because such patients were believed to lie on the borderline between psychosis and neurosis, with the label of borderline first coined by Adolph Stern in 1938. In the 1980’s, codependency was used to describe a person is they were 1) in a love or marital relationship with an alcoholic, 2) had one or more alcoholic parents or grandparents, or 3) were raised within an emotionally repressive family. 

CODA (Codependent No More) was established as a 12 step organization to help people deal with with tendencies and develop healthy and self-empowering relationships. It is active in more than 40 countries, with 1,200 functioning groups in the US. (CODA does not replace therapy). 

These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives- ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person each of us can control- the only person we can change- ourselves. Codependency is many things. It is a dependency on people- their moods, behaviors, sickness or well-being, and their love. It is a paradoxical dependence. Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent. They look strong but feel helpless. They look to other people to make them feel happy and fulfilled. 

Codependent Martyr Syndrome-

Some codependents rationalize, or repackage, their codependency traits into what they believe to be positive behaviors. Their codependency becomes a badge of honors of sorts, to be worn proudly- and declared often. They are intensely proud of their selfless, sacrificial, and long-suffering approach to their relationships. These martyrs are proud, about how much they do for others, as well as how much they sacrifice in their lives. These beliefs often stem from the family values passed down from one generation to the next. 

Codependency is reinforced by the positive attention, recognitions, and even awards they receive for their selflessness; they may be referred to as a saint or “the salt of the earth”. If asked why they do not ask for much, they are likely to say they really do not need much and giving to others makes them feel happy and fulfilled. Some codependent martyrs generously and expertly guilt trip others to remind them of their sacrifice. 

CODEPENDENCY-RECOVERY-INDUCED-NARCISSIST- This is like a kid in a candy store. The newfound experience of self-esteem, self-love, and confidence allows this person to experience a new world in which they can manifest the latent and long-buried best version of themselves. Their overstimulation may unintentionally cause harm to others. 

After working hard in codependency-specific psychotherapy, there comes a time when the client is psychologically healthy enough to let go of the good-codependent-parent fantasy and realistically hold this person partially responsible for their traumatic childhood. Although this process often begins with anger and a need for accountability, it eventually transforms into a willingness to empathize with, accept, and forgive the codependent parent. In the process of being about who their parent really was and how much they were harmed by them, they can own their own codependency, while better understanding its current and historical impact on those who passed it down to them. 

Tottenham (2011) concluded that there is a connection between poor or absent personal and emotional nurturing (positive attachment) in childhood and irreversible mental health problems in adulthood. 

For a child to avoid severe attachment trauma, they need to be adept at a form of psychological gymnastics. This requires suppressing instinctual and reflexive emotional reactions such as frustration, anger, and disappointment, while reacting in a way that makes the parent feel good about themselves. The child who succeeds at modifying their emotional reactions to neglect, deprivation, or abuse is rewarded with the highly coveted position in the family as this parent’s favorite child. This child becomes a long-fantasized “gift” bestowed on the parent that soothes their mostly unconscious feelings of inadequacy and core shame. The “gifted child” is rewarded by being lavished with conditional love, respect, and care, while others in the family fall prey to the narcissistic parent’s damaging whims and reactions. 

The child is virtually granted special status in the family if they maintain the “little prince” or “princess” position. Falling from grace is not an option. 

It is common for codependents to have never learned feeling words or felt safe expressing them. As a result, they became adults who describe their feelings with overly-simplistic and poorly-descriptive words. In addition, they often mistake thoughts, behaviors, and conditions for feelings. Codependents with a deficiency of “feeling words” fall into two primary groups: those who are irrationally anxious and afraid of expression and those who have no idea how they really feel. 

Such adults choose the term “empath” to describe their acute sensitivity to the emotional energy of others. Empaths feel, experience, and reportedly absorb the physical, mental, and emotional pain of others. 

It is not that they hate this child; it is more that the child’s inadequacies painfully remind them of what is wrong with themselves. The narcissistic parent will never take responsibility for the harm caused, as to do so would ignite the powder keg of repressed and deeply buried rage and self-hate for being parented in the very same manner. Therefore, externalizing and blaming away their child’s apparent “badness” serves to protect them from realizing their own worst nightmare- they have become the next generation of abusive or neglectful parents who have created their own traumatized and damaged children. 

Instead of being a natural recipient of unconditional love and kindness, they will be a moving target for unmitigated abuse and neglect and become the narcissistic parent’s and other sibling’s “punching bag”. 

The child is not fighting back per se, but trying to survive a confusing world of mixed messages, broken promises, and disappointment. Over time, they internalize and identify with the label. Eventually, they give up and submit to the inevitable: never being able to transform their parent’s anger, disappointment, and resentment into some form of appreciation, affirmation, and most importantly…love. 

Because narcissistic parents cannot accept personal faults, they spend their days trying to convince themselves that everything they do is perfect. When their personality causes distress within their family, and their children’s issues begin to  reflect this, these parents are forced to make a choice. They must either acknowledge that they are making mistakes that are affecting their children negatively, or they must try to convince themselves and others that the problems are coming not from themselves, but another source. 

The human mind has distinct limits of how much trauma it can manage. Comparable to a circuit breaker, the mind has properties that protect it from experiences that are too painful and threatening to handle. Its virtual on and off switch protects a person from what they are unable to process and store in their short-term memory. Repression and disassociation are the primary defense mechanisms that help a person cope with unbearable trauma. Repression is defined as the unconscious exclusion of painful impulses, desires, or fears from the conscious mind. When a traumatic episode is repressed, that person simply forgets it ever happened. Disassociation is defined as the psychological experience in which someone feels disconnected from their sensory experience, sense of self, or personal history. One of several forms of disassociation is to feel detached from a situation, as if you were merely watching yourself while the abuse is happening. 

Repression and disassociation are essential to the psychological survival of most trauma victims, especially the neglected and abused child of a pathologically narcissistic parent. Without these defenses, the child, and the adult they will become, will not only remember the trauma, but will also emotionally re-experience the shame, anger, loss of hope, and desperation they experienced during the abuse. The resulting self-hatred, neediness, and expansive reservoirs of wrath are too unbearable to accept. Instead, we relegate them to the dark expanses of our unconscious mind, locked behind concrete walls of denial, resisting any attempts at expression or recovery. These repressed feelings and memories will only see the light of day through bouts of depression, narcissistic rage, or incorporating the skills of an experienced psychotherapist. 

Trauma is not defined by what happens to a person, but rather by their personal experience of it. 

Four personality disorders- Narcissistic, Borderline, Antisocial, and Addiction- are grouped in my diagnostic category of pathological narcissism. Despite these being demonstrably different than each other,  they all share core pathologically narcissistic personality traits. 

NARCISSIST PERSONALITY DISORDER- 

NPD can further be categorized into 4 subtypes: Covert Narcissism, Productive Narcissism, Malignant Narcissism, and Addiction-induced Narcissism. 

Covert Narcissism- they are masters of disguise- successful actors, humanitarians, politicians, clergy members, and even psychotherapists. They are beloved and appreciated, but are secretly selfish, calculating, controlling, angry, and vindictive. They create an illusion of selflessness while benefitting from their elevated status. Although they share basic traits with the overt narcissist- the need for attention, affirmation, approval, and recognition- they are stealthier about hiding their egocentric motives. Unlike the over narcissist who parades their narcissism for all to see, the covert narcissist furtively hides their real intentions and identity. These narcissists are able to trick others into believing they are honest, altruistic, and empathic. 

Productive Narcissism-they are extraordinarily useful and even a necessary manifestation of NPD. Although similar to overt narcissists, productive narcissists are responsible for society’s greatest achievements. Because of their fervent desire to make the world a better place, they task themselves with the responsibility of coming up with important inventions, achievements, and contributions to humanity. They are supremely gifted and creative intellectuals, inventors, business leaders, and politicians who find great meaning in improving the world and leaving behind a profound legacy. They are hypersensitive to criticism, exhibiting overcompetitive, grandiose, and pompous tendencies. They are completely consumed by their quest to make a difference. Their obsession to contribute is still a narcissistic process, as it is ultimately motivated by their tireless pursuit to convince themselves of their greatness. They are prone to self-destruction. Consumed by their achievements and beliefs that they are invincible, they take less advice. Over time, increasing levels of motivation lead them to take unnecessary risks and become increasingly careless. Their entitlement and flagrant disregard for rules and laws eventually lead them to catastrophe. 

Malignant Narcissism- appears to be a hybrid of NPD, as it is a combination of 4 pathological extremes: narcissism, psychopathy, sadism, and paranoia. The difference is malignant narcissists force their elaborate fantasies onto others. They believe they have a special destiny in life. They are outwardly selfish and unapologetic. They feel compelled to direct the lives around them. They are suspicious of others, belligerent and scheming, while manipulatively casting themselves as the injured party. They are fundamentally insecure and paranoid in their relationships, they counter by maintaining total control over others. Examples are Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Saddam Hussein. 

 

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)- According to NAMI, it affects 5.9% of the population. It is more common than schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. It is the only personality disorder to have suicidal or self-injuring behavior among its diagnostic criteria. It is characterized by volatile moods, self-image, thought processes and personal relationships. When unable to regulate their emotions, borderlines tend to engage in wild, reckless, and out-of-control behaviors such as dangerous sexual liaisons, drug abuse, gambling, spending sprees, or eating binges. When upset, they experience a flurry of emotions, distorted and dangerous thought processes, and destructive mood swings that threaten the safety of others, as well as themselves. Their love/hate approach to relationships is entirely a narcissistic process, as the direction of the relationship is always determined by the BPD’s feelings at any given moment. Their reflexive emotional rampages create a form of temporary insanity. During moments of a complete emotional meltdown, their thought processes, insight into their emotional state, and ability to make sound and rational decisions become severely impaired. In that moment, they have been triggered to experience the wrath and anger connected to repressed memories of their abusive, neglectful, and traumatic childhood.

BPD’s are rarely capable of sustaining stable long-term relationships. Their romantic relationships begin quickly, intensely, and with a great deal of excitement, euphoria, and sexual chemistry. Their volatile emotions move in one of two directions: love and adoration or hate and destruction. Because this person has had little-to-no experience with healthy relationships, the euphoric “perfect love” feelings that occur in the beginning of the relationship are neither realistic nor lasting. The early euphoria love experience is transient as their psychological fragility leads them to an eventual emotional crash and burn. This black-and-white approach to their romances creates a teeter-totter effect of extreme behavior; they either shower their partner with love and kindness, or rage at them with disgust and violence. Their love/hate processing of relationships places an impossible burden on the partner. 

According to Marsha Linehan, one of the world’s leading experts on BPD, “borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering. The BPD’s fear of abandonment or rejection creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. To feel safe and secure, they form romantic relationships quickly and intensely. A quickly formed emotional and sexual union temporarily shields them from terrifying feelings of loneliness and worthlessness. In relationships, BPD’s are often clingy, insecure, and needy as they seek frequent reassurances of their value and worthiness. 

Psychopaths versus Antisocial Personality Disorder

Psychopaths are generally understood to be dangerous, violent, and controlling. They rely on violence and intimidation to dominate others and satisfy their selfish needs. They are unable to feel/experience guilt, remorse, or anxiety about any of their actions. ASPD’s and psychopaths internalize and externalize their pathological behavior differently. For example, ASPD‘s are seen as disorganized and rash, making extreme responses to normal situations. They lack impulse control. Psychopaths, by contrast, are highly organized, often secretly planning out and fantasizing about their acts in great detail before actually committing them, and sometimes manipulating people are them. Psychopaths are dangerous. They show no remorse for their actions, usually because of of lesion on a part of their brain responsible for fear and judgement, known as the amygdala. Psychopaths commit crimes in cold blood. They crave control and impulsivity, possess a predatory instinct, and attack proactively rather than as a reaction to confrontation. Sociopaths are a different breed. They, too, may suffer from their mental illness because of lesioned brain regions. Upbringing may also play a larger role. Sociopathic behavior is manifested as conniving and deceitful, despite an outward appearance or trustworthiness or sincerity. Sociopaths are often pathological liars. They are manipulative and lack the ability to judge the morality of a situation, but not because they lack a moral compass; rather, their existing moral compass is greatly skewed. Psychopaths are rarely psychotic. Those with ASPD are unwilling or unable to participate mutually and reciprocally in any relationship. 

Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome (NAS) is also known as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. Perpetrators of NAS have either a Narcissistic, Borderline, or Antisocial Personality Disorder, and/or Addiction Disorder. They maintain power and control over their victims by beating or wearing down their resolve to defend themselves or to reach out for protection or help. The various forms of direct, passive, and covert manipulation and aggression ensures the victim stays in the relationship, while the codependent neither fights back nor exposes them. NAS perpetrators have a “nose” for codependent victims who are naturally unable to recognize their scheming and highly manipulative ways. These cunning perpetrators purposely choregraph their victim’s experience, so the victim falls helplessly head over heels in love with them. Once in the “soulmate fog”, the codependents invite the malicious individuals into their vulnerable areas– where the scheming pathological narcissists take up permanent residence. 

Gaslighters systematically manipulate a codependent’s environment so they are powerless to fight back, isolated from anyone who could help them, and convinced their gaslit impairment makes them inadequate and unlovable outside their carefully choregraphed false, but realistic, relationship with their captor. They implant narratives, or revised and distorted versions of reality, to weaken their victim, neutralize their defenses, and turn their own mind against them. The scheming gaslighter chooses a problem that either did not previously exist, or was only a mild or moderately bothersome problem about which the victim was already aware. The gaslighter carefully and methodically choreographs the victim’s environment, so they repeatedly experience the staged problem. 

Not only does the gaslighter make the codependent victim inaccessible to anyone who coud protect or rescue them, they convince them these people don’t care, love, or want to be with them. 

It is time you become aware of the gaslighter’s primary tricks of the trade. This has been used to turn you against yourself, all the while keeping you under their thumb. They knew if you saw your true and natural inner beauty, the resulting self-esteem and self-love would foil their diabolical plans to achieve control over you. 

They have always been threatened by your inner and outer beauty because it is in direct opposition to the despicable image of themselves their personality-disordered mind conveniently removed from their conscious mind. 

Expect to make a 1-2 year commitment to complete the journey. This might seem like a long time. However, if you consider the combination of the dysfunctional forces responsible for you SLDD, and the percentage of your life you have already been encumbered by it, you will see how patience and perseverance will get you where you need to be. 

What would you say if I told you that you always held all the winning cards in you hand, but never knew it? Now that narcissists are no longer choreographing your reality, you can finally be what you were always meant to be!

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